There are things that I did not get to talk about in my last post, and details that I left out so I thought I could round up all my thought on this one.
The past couple months have been rough, there have been major changes in our lifestyle, while I continue to try getting used to and juggle this new university life of mine along with it. And I’ll be listing them off one by one here, as the aftermath of Gran’s passing.
Becoming Catholic
A couple weeks ago, my mother sat me down to talk about several things, one of the more prominent ones is that she is going to start going to Catechumenate, and hopefully, be baptized and become Catholic in the soon future. I was not shocked because she has mentioned it before, though as an omnist myself who has read the bible for school and just as stories when I was younger, I worry that my mother was not thinking clear to make said decisions.
I believe that when someone is joining a certain religion, they should be committed, and much of Catholicism promotes believing and trusting Jesus and Mother Mary. Understanding that Gran’s passing has had a huge impact on Mum, it came to my awareness that such a decision but be the sole purpose for her to someday see Gran again in heaven, and that to me didn’t seem like a respectful reason to become a servant of God as they call it.
And this is where I raised my first question: what would Gran have wanted you to do?
In a dinner recently with one of Gran’s only childhood friend, she mentioned how all her children have been baptized, and asks why none of Gran’s is, to which Mum presumes that Gran would’ve wanted them to make their own choices. So knowing that, Mum understandingly nodded her head to me and moved on to the next topic.
The money
So a little background to begin with. My mother is the youngest of seven siblings, and I am 3rd to the youngest among around 20 cousins. With that said, I never really understood how the responsibility of taking care of Gran in the last couple years ended up on my mother’s shoulders, considering there are older and/or wealthier families among the extended family. Though with this situation, I have grown up being grateful for what we have, and have been shown how to love my parents by my mother.
During the dinner right after Gran passed, there were talks about how all of Gran’s leftover money would go to my mother, which made sense to me. (This may seem biased but I truly believe that in the view of all parties concerned, it seemed fair.)
However, by the end of all the ceremonies where a balance sheet has been kept in the family group to keep track of all money spent and received, I find my name appearing on it, where basically all the leftover money goes to me, in which she explained to me during this talk we had.
Even though I do not remember much from my childhood with Gran, I was told that she has said to my aunt before that she wishes to pass everything of hers down to me when she’s gone as dowry. I was not comprehending that at all and tears started streaming down my face.
I asked myself: Why is this what Gran wished for?
She could have given it to my mother, her youngest, knowing that being my mother’s only daughter, I would inherit everything in the future. But instead, she made it clear that it goes to me. I’m not saying I am rich now, not in monetary terms anyway; but in my heart, I cannot be any richer with love.
“What happens when I die”
This led to another conversation which is what happens when Mum dies. At 20 years old and with most people mistaking your mother as your sister or friend, you don’t really think about the time when she is going to be gone as well. We talked about insurances, and perhaps how she would want her funeral to be like, which again backtracked to the religion topic. But the most important part of this was that she made me promise that an amount of money would go into a fund that would keep my grandparents’ grave taken care of for at least two more generations to come, which means: my future child(ren), here’s your heads up, wherever you may be in the world, you’re coming back to Hong Kong to make sure you’re great-grandparents’ grave is upkept.
To which I asked my mother: even if I can do that, how many generations would that last?
And that is when it crosses my mind how important this is to her. Far from the end of her days, Mum is worried about what happens to the grave, anticipating that none of my 12 uncles and aunties and 20 so cousins will act upon this when it comes up. Again, I made her this promise. Just like the one to my grandmother, I plan to keep it, one way or another.
The final ceremony
A little incident that happened a few days ago, annoyed me more than it should have, probably because of my recent stress level and the following that happened. There is a final ceremony that would declare the grave completely done and it was set to be happening May 26th, in which I had already made plans for. Upon being told this piece of information by my mother a week ago, I expressed my extensive interest in sticking with my plans to volunteer at a journalistic conference and be responded with discontent. I reluctantly cancelled my plans with the organizers.
Two days ago, I received messages in the group chat in which my auntie was proposing a new date that could also work in which my eldest uncle responded with satisfaction. I got upset at my mother. While I know to some capacity that this is not her fault, I blamed her for making me cancel plans when the date was yet to be confirmed, indirectly harming my reputation to people whom I’d like to be in the good books with. She apologized, asking if I could go back to my original plans and with that, I slammed my door and yelled something along the lines of “my schedule should be mine, can you stop toying with it”.
My father asked me later on when he got home after hearing what had happened: why do you think your mother cares so much about this?
To which I reply knowing full well that is what you would do when your parents pass, because the people who have been there for you your whole life up till that point, were gone, and she wants her support when she has to face that.
However, I also pointed out that I was not just being lazy, or hanging out with friends; I was going to something that would help to work towards what my grandmother and mother have so desperately wanted to see, of me succeeding, accomplishing things in life. I was bawling at that point, and demanding my father out of my room.
There was nothing to be done about the things that have been decided, and it does not matter what anyone would have thought because, at the end of the day, we are just putting words into Gran’s mouth, and that’s not fair to Gran. (Sorry Gran, love you!) And so instead, though I’m still displeased with mum’s assumptions that my schedule is at her disposal, I will comply as long as it makes her happy because that is the least I could do.
Edit: And while I’m editing this on Sunday, I just want to take this chance of date to say: Gran and Mum, I love you both.
520. 我愛你。
Here are some photos of my cousins and I trying to replicate older photos of us two years ago.
Adequately Angelique 